WAR-TIME CORRESPONDANCE (morsels of love)

Actual Email sent recently.
(names changed to protect no one in particular)


FROM THE SMITHS IN NORTHERN CALIFORNIA:

To all our East Coast refugees,

Times are tough. That's why the lady and I are sending a little package of love for all of you to enjoy. It's in our best interest to care for the loved ones on in the heat of battle. So the Smiths of Northern California hope our little box of sugar brings a smile to your face and a song to your heart. Becky created a special recipe just for this occasion:

2 cups caring
1 cup concern
1/2 cup support
5 tablespoons of smiles
2 tablespoons of joy
5 cups of love

So when you eat these little packets of positiveness, please remember that we are all thinking of you and hope life brings you some happiness once in a while. Just so you know we are sending one box to Cheri for her to distribute to Pat and Lynn. Robert, you are expected to hook up with Steve for his goodies.

Peace and love and keep bombing the Middle East.



RESPONSE FROM WASHINGTON, DC:

Brother like none other:

A mysterious package arrived at my office today. It had been held up at a suburban Maryland mail facility for several days due to the latest anthrax scare.

It, in fact, was scanned several times for traces of anthrax spores - the handwriting on the package (handwriting which addressed itself to me) had a strange slant to the right. It also had a cryptic message stamped several times across the top: "Packing slip inside."

Could this be from an Afghan mullah? The postal worker with the unfortunate duty of carrying this strange package to my office did not, I understand, actually deliver it to my office.

It was instead first deposited at a non-descript gray metal box near the Potomac River. The box was then picked up by someone at the U.S. State Department who ran it through a uranium scan machine, eliminating the possibility that active anthrax spores within the box could survive. An expert on Islamic lettering and handwriting was then called in from Egypt. He - I am told - spent several hours examining the handwriting on the box and cross referenced the "Packing slip inside" phrase with several passages in the Koran.

It turns out that the honorable Allah (G-O-D to muslims) prophesied in ancient times that "inside" each true muslim, a jihad exists (a righteous call to make war against infidels). Various translations of Allah's words have termed this "jihad" a "righteous package inside each muslim." Could the cryptic phrase stamped on the outside of this strange box addressed to me be a call to Jihad from Allah himself? "Packing Slip Inside" the box proclaimed. The handwriting slanted to the right. It had a possible Arabic look to it.

Several Middle Eastern experts from the State Department reviewed the box. The results of their examination were inconclusive. Befuddled, they sent it on the Center for Disease Control in Atlanta, GA for further testing. It was the CDC who actually delivered it to my office. My phone rang this afternoon at 3:00 pm. It was our receptionist. "There is an alien up here holding a strange package and asking for you." Puzzled, I went to the front desk to investigate. Indeed - it looked as if someone from outer space had landed in our greeting area. I took a long hard look at this being and eventually realized that this was no alien form - it was flesh and blood like you and me - encased in a protective white suit with black gloves and a helmet. It was an expert germatologist from the CDC. She gently handed me the package.

I asked her, "Is this safe for me to open?" She replied in a muffled tone that extensive testing showed absolutely no signs of anthrax, small pox, or any other biological agent on the strange package. She did stress, however, that "our understanding of anthrax and bio-warfare is still evolving. While we feel confident that there is no risk to you opening the package, we cannot guarantee your safety." So, when the package arrived, and after I had learned of its circuitous route to my office, I, quite understandably, was anxious about opening the package. Would I inhale a particularly fatal form of Anthrax? Would I find nothing and continue with my life only to discover black sores on my body in the next few weeks? Could the "packing slip inside" signify a new wave of terrorist attacks against American interests at home and abroad? With considerable trepidation and fear, I slowly opened the box. Strange, I thought, nothing but newspapers. I dug through the newspapers: all from the San Francisco Chronicle - could this be some strange sign?? It was then that I felt a strange plastic-like substance. I was afraid to look. With sincere determination and bravery I opened my eyes and behold. . . ZIP LOCK BAGS FILLED WITH DELICIOUS COOKIES.

Thanks, Man, for sending me such a considerable gifts during such trying times. Please pass on my heartfelt thanks to Becky as well (I don't think I have her email!). Not only was the box of cookies extremely thoughtful, the cookies themselves are damn good. It's hard for me to not eat them all in one sitting. Don't worry, I'll make sure Steve gets his fair share (2 or 3 cookies ought to hold him over, don't you think?). You and Becky are the greatest. Thank you very much!



Peace and Love,

Robert

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